I only realized this morning that the jar claims to contain 14 servings. There are clearly too many digits in that figure.
A ringing endorsement
As I stood in line this afternoon at the Walmart pharmacy, I was struck with an epiphany, right there between the bunion cushions and the blood sugar meters.
If the greatest endorsement of an establishment’s products or services is its employees’ self availing thereof, then Walmart’s pharmacy must surely be the most highly regarded of them all. Because every single staff member would appear to be very highly medicated.
Eye soar
Don’t be jealous, but I kind of rocked my eye exam last week.
I always get nervous when I have to do the eye tests, especially the peripheral vision game. That’s the one where you stare straight ahead at a little dot on a screen, and then every time you detect some wavy lines in your field of vision, you click a handheld device that resembles the lovechild of an original Mac mouse and a vibrator. I get nervous for a couple of reasons.
- I’m usually jacked up on caffeine when I go in for my exam, so wavy lines are going to happen whether I’m staring down the barrel of an optical instrument or not.
- I’m afraid I’ll let down the optometrist.
See, I think optometrists judge us after we leave. I feel similarly about personal trainers, bank tellers, therapists, and — less conjecturally — Republicans. I always imagine a big group of optical care professionals having lunch at a casual dining establishment and one of them being like, “Hey, I had one this morning who could only make it to line two!” And then they all share a hearty laugh, a few back slaps (completely heterosexual, of course), and some stuffed jalapeños (completely heterosexual, of course).
I think my fear of ophthalmological chagrin has to do with natural selection. Because were it not for modern optics, I would have walked straight off a cliff or into oncoming traffic long ago. Or I might have been a quick and easy weeknight dinner for a small, on-the-go family of hyenas. I owe my continued existence to refractive technologies ((addiction — ad·dic·tion n. Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one’s voluntary control.)), and I don’t want to disappoint my dealer.
Thankfully, though, my fears were not realized, and not only did I get every single mother f***ing wavy line, but I also made it to line SIX on the letter chart. So I’ve made it another year.
Though he did tell me I may need reading glasses in the next few years, which I think is his own little way of keeping me humble.
Joschi V
I ate my dinner in the hotel’s Gaststübli with the kind of enthusiasm that only a day’s walk in the mountains can inspire. Rich local cheeses, a broth flecked with small dumplings, and an aromatic loaf of bread comprised a filling, if simple, meal. All washed down with a bottle of Melser Federweiss, a locally produced white.
Joschi sat on the floor at my feet, his head resting between outstretched paws in that particular way that dogs do. From time to time, as the man and the woman busied themselves in the kitchen, Joschi would enjoy a clandestine bit of cheese that miraculously fell from above.
I wasn’t ready for him to go.
Joschi’s guardian arrived promptly at 7. He was mess of a man, wild, unkempt, and disheveled. When he entered the room, Joschi leaped from his spot on the floor and ran to him. The man knelt down to embrace his dog, a poignant and warming reunion which I resented very much.
The dog man sat down at the table next to mine, and the hotel man soon joined him. As they spoke to each other in their own particular, guttural way, I glanced down at Joschi.
Taking the last sip of my wine, the woman approached me.
“Are you ready for another bottle?” she asked.
“No, thank you,” I replied. “Long walk tomorrow.”
“But the man has bought you a second,” she said.
At this, I looked over at him. He glanced back at me, smiled briefly, and patted his dog on the head.
Quote of the night
Undoubtedly this gem from Jon Stewart:
“We can call it. Mitt Romney has won most of the Confederacy.”
Joschi IV
Travel, for all its potential to broaden one’s point of view, can encourage primal fears that we desperately try to rationalize away. Incomprehensible tongues fall upon our ears, and we assume that we must be on the outside of a very inside joke. When faced with the unfamiliar, our well-intentioned but bumbling genetic structure offers up a generous serving of mistrust, fear, and doubt.
This very biology that for millennia has exploited our basal fears to promote survival becomes, however, something of a burden when the most serious challenge to one’s personal endurance is determining which of fourteen possible entrées might best complement a Cabernet. Becoming an engaged, mature adult, therefore, requires that one learn to disarm instinct and look beyond differences and unfamiliarity. This ability to trust marks the most enlightened of persons.
Or the most basic of dogs.
Joschi III
I couldn’t be certain of Joschi’s particular destination, but mine would be the village of Weisstannen, by virtue of having earlier booked a room for the night.
My new friend and I walked together the entire day. The path contoured high above the Seez, a charming river whose waters would eventually reach the Lake of Zürich. The belvedere offered commanding views to the head of the valley and the rugged peaks separating the cantons of St. Gallen and Glarus. A thin, ribbon of a waterfall hugged the opposite valley wall, its fragile appearance belying the roaring crash into the Seez below.
Joschi never strayed more than a few paces from my side. He instinctively knew which branch to choose when the path forked, and I imagined that he must frequent this valley. He walked with determination and displayed great enthusiasm when I offered him bites of my lunch.
We’re not so different after all.
On reaching Weisstannen, I located my hotel and introduced myself to the proprietors, an older couple who had been relaxing outside the hotel beneath a canopy. The man’s rough appearance suggested a life spent mostly outside performing difficult labor, while his considerably gentler wife smiled in the sort of way that often heralds the arrival of cookies.
“Is he yours?” asked the man, motioning to Joschi, who sat down next to my feet.
It occurred to me that bringing a dusty pet into the foyer of a hotel might not be the best way to present myself as a guest.
“No,” I said, “he joined me a few kilometers back. I think he might belong to someone here.”
I pointed to the tags dangling from the dog’s collar. The scruffy man looked down and in an instant of recognition approached for a closer look.
“Flums,” he muttered, referring to a town lying a handful of steep miles to the north.
The man invited me to have a seat and then picked up the phone. He launched into his own particular flavor of Swiss German, a collection of dialects whose enunciation, even to native speakers of High German, resembles an unfortunate throat condition. He nodded with a vigor completely out of proportion to the quantity of words that actually issued from his mouth, but after a time, he placed the receiver back in its cradle.
“I contacted the authorities in Flums. His owner will be here in a couple of hours.”
And another
Frat guy 2: Last time I drank tequila I yacked in my carport.
Oh, college
I work on a college campus and overhear lots of entertaining conversations. Here’s a gem for Halloween.
Frat guy 1: Dude, are you going to the haunted house?
Frat guy 2: Haunted house?
Frat guy 1: Yeah, they’re like aphrodisiacs for women.
Bloody health
My workplace is offering free health screenings to its employees. I don’t plan to participate, though, because I already know what my blood work would look like:
5% Humulone
8% Ethanol
12% Caffeine
60% Capsaicin
10% Cynicism
5% Other