You’ve always been confident in your ability to be ready for douchebaggery, but lately your inflated self-importance and disregard for others have become a touch flaccid. Luckily, there are concrete steps you can take right now that will boost your ass-wipeyness back to the level you deserve:
- Grow ironic, 19th century style facial hair.
- Leave your right pants leg rolled up to let everyone know you biked there.
- Address anyone as “bro.”
- Audibly discuss the relative merits and inadequacies of local brunch establishments whilst having already awaited a table at one for well over 90 minutes.
- Pop your collar.
- Tell me how you came to know Jesus.
- Insist your off-leash dog never bites.
- Claim that pot is No Big Deal, but make subtle (i.e., not subtle), chuckle-laden references to it at every possible opportunity.
- Publicly and emotionally renounce gluten without actually having been medically diagnosed as intolerant or allergic.
- Go ahead. Bust out that guitar.
