It is rumored that there is a system to Band-Aids, in which the two white bits are meant to help ease the bandage onto your skin, like applying a brown, two-dimensional leach. But I believe this violates the second law of thermodynamics. Clearly the white bits are only too eager to stick to your skin, while the bandage prefers to curl up into a little plasticky wad.
Archives for February 2013
How to enhance your douchiness
You’ve always been confident in your ability to be ready for douchebaggery, but lately your inflated self-importance and disregard for others have become a touch flaccid. Luckily, there are concrete steps you can take right now that will boost your ass-wipeyness back to the level you deserve:
- Grow ironic, 19th century style facial hair.
- Leave your right pants leg rolled up to let everyone know you biked there.
- Address anyone as “bro.”
- Audibly discuss the relative merits and inadequacies of local brunch establishments whilst having already awaited a table at one for well over 90 minutes.
- Pop your collar.
- Tell me how you came to know Jesus.
- Insist your off-leash dog never bites.
- Claim that pot is No Big Deal, but make subtle (i.e., not subtle), chuckle-laden references to it at every possible opportunity.
- Publicly and emotionally renounce gluten without actually having been medically diagnosed as intolerant or allergic.
- Go ahead. Bust out that guitar.
This is why we’re doomed
The English language nurtures oodles of excellent words (e.g., oodles), and its relaxed, nimble grammar permits — indeed, encourages — expressions that simultaneously engage, entertain, and inform. At what point along the way did we throw up our hands and accept empty statements like this?
“I believe this transaction will open an exciting new chapter for Dell, our customers and team members,” Michael Dell said in a statement. “We can deliver immediate value to stockholders, while we continue the execution of our long-term strategy and focus on delivering best-in-class solutions to our customers as a private enterprise.” (Source: CNNMoney)
No wonder our increasingly information- and service-based economy likes to hide out in the shitter from time to time. None of us has a clue what any of us actually does anymore.
Here’s a quiz for you. Which of the following answers to the question, “What do you do for a living?” inspires the most confidence in you?
- I bake bread.
- I repair shoes.
- I assemble motor vehicles.
- I write software.
- I deliver immediate value to our stockholders, while continuing the execution of our long-term strategy and focusing on delivering best-in-class solutions to our customers as a private enterprise.